Brother, I Forgive You
by idekwthimdoin
Summary: Dean loses control for a second and he hurts Sam. He hurts Sam bad. T for swearing and violence.


**A/N a little longer than usual, with lot's of angst and guilt and hurt but a happy ending :)**

The hospital sounds and smells were too familiar. The walls were glaringly white, the seats uncomfortably hard. The occasional groan or cough could be heard anywhere you went.

Dean clenched his jaw, his fists tightening impossibly tighter, His knuckles were as white as the walls, the dried blood dark against his skin. The itch of the blood on his hands was a grotesque reminder of exactly why he was in the hospital.

The blood, _Sam's blood_ , was on Dean's hands…literally. Not for the first time, Dean tried to scratch the Mark of Cain off, tears burning as it refused to even bleed. He tugged painfully at his own hair in a vain attempt to remember what had triggered the fight.

Dean could only remember vague yelling, before he was on top of Sam, throwing punch after punch, after punch. He remembered only feeling relief, and sick joy at seeing blood pouring from Sam's nose and mouth, laughing at the loud crunch when Dean's fist went straight for Sam's nose.

He didn't stop there. Dean remembered standing and delivering brutal kicks to his brother's side and stomach, feeling bones break under his feet.

"Dean, p-please." Sam gasped out, shielding from further attacks. Dean froze mid-punch, remembering where he was, and what was happening. He let out a strangled sound as he recognized the prone figure lying helpless before him, broken and bleeding. Dean held up his own hands, saw his mistake dripping from his fingertips. Stumbling backwards, he called the ambulance, not trusting himself to lay another finger on his brother.

"Mr. Lahey?" Dean looked up at the sound of his alias being called. A doctor was walking briskly towards him, long blonde hair bouncing as she went. Normally Dean would've checked out her curves, appreciated her figure. Dean only had one thing on his mind at that moment.

 _How is Sam?_

 _Is Sam okay?_

 _What have I done to Sam?_

 _Sam Sam Sam SamSamSam_

"Your brother's condition has been stabilized. You said you found him like that?" Dean nodded, telling her the same alibi he had told the police.

 _I don't know officer, I just found my brother like that. I don't know anyone who could've done something like this._

 _If only._ Dean's jaw clenched his fist. If the story had been true, that an attacker had broken into the Bunker, Sam would've been able to defend himself without breaking a sweat.

But it wasn't just some attacker. It was Dean who did this, the Mark taking over. Dean had hurt the one he was supposed to protect, and he had _enjoyed_ it. The worst part was, Sam didn't fight back, even though he could have.

"How is he?" Dean asked, part of him terrified of the answer.

"His condition is stable. The patient suffered from multiple injuries. A full list would include a broken nose, multiple broken ribs, which punctured his lung. He suffered from tension pneumothorax-"

"A collapsed lung?"

"Yes, we also had to perform a partial splenectomy due to a ruptured spleen, which caused some pretty heavy internal bleeding."

Anything else the doctor might have said was left unheard by Dean, who had dashed to the nearest trash and began heaving.

…

After Dean had puked his guts out, the doctor let him use the hospital's facilities to clean up, wearing clothes provided by the hospital. They let him see Sam after, though Dean would have gone to see his brother even if they hadn't.

Now Dean was sitting in another hard plastic chair, waiting for his brother to wake up while watching over Sam's sleeping form, tubes and wires sticking out of his body. Dean was drowning in guilt because he did this. He had hurt Sam.

Dean would've hurled a second time if his stomach had anything inside. Instead, he started talking, the silence was driving him insane.

"How did it all get so fucked up, huh Sammy? Remember when all we had to worry about were shifters, wendigos, or werewolves?" Dean chuckled hysterically. "Remember when I was the one protecting you, instead of the one trying to kill you?" Dean's voice cracked on the last syllable, a tear dripping down his face.

Dean thought back to the past few years, and thought about how they drifted apart. He wished he could take back all the horrible things he said. He'd give anything for Sam to wake up, so he could say how sorry he was. He would tell Sam that he was forgiven for everything, the demon blood, Lilith, Lucifer. Forgiven for being soulless, for not looking for him in a Purgatory.

Dean started sobbing as he realized there was nothing to forgive Sam for. In hindsight, Sam had made mistakes, but with good intentions. And Dean had given him shit for it, and Sam had taken it, thinking he deserved it.

"Sam I'm so, so sorry. I promise I'll make it right. I'll fix us. I'll make _us_ right. Please Sam, I need you to wake up, so I can fix this, so you can hear how sorry I am." Dean sobbed. He didn't care about causing any "chick-flick moments", not if he needed his brother to know how he felt.

"Please, Sammy. One more miracle for me. Open those pretty eyes of yours the girls are always talking about." Dean had taken Sam's limp hand in his, squeezing it tight as tears were pouring freely down his face. He rested his head on Sam's bed, burying his head in the mattress, his tears soaking the mattress.

Suddenly, Sam's hand squeezed back, so lightly Dean wasn't sure he imagined it. He stared up at Sam. Hazel eyes stared back at him, shiny with unshed tears.

"Sam?" Dean asked tentatively, unsure if Sam was angry with him. He tried to pull his hand away, feeling confused when Sam only held on tighter.

"De," Sam winced as his throat ached, Dean rushing to get him a cup of water, which Sam took gratefully.

"What happened to no "chick-flick moments"?" Sam asked, looking pointedly at their hands and grinning as Dean blushed, but made no move to pull away.

"Fuck that. A man can't hold his brother's hand without being judged for it? What has the world come to?" Dean joked, both of them ignoring the elephant in the room. Neither of them was quite ready to talk about what happened just yet.

"Good to see you awake, Sam." It was the doctor, entering the room with the clipboard in one hand. "I'm Dr. Evans, but you may call me Christie." Dean realized he never bothered finding out her name, not that he cared about her much now that his brother was awake.

"We'll just run a few tests, to check if everything is functioning the way they should. You took quite a beating there, didn't you?" Christie said. Dean looked away in shame, not being able to look at Sam.

…

"Sam?" Sam's head turned towards him, eyes questioning.

"Sam, I don't know how else to say it. I'm so sorry. I let the Mark take over and-" Dean coughed to get rid of the lump forming in his throat again. "I let the Mark take over and I hurt you Sam, I hurt you bad. I'm so fucking sorry."

Sam was silent, staring at Dean in confusion.

"Dean why are you apologizing?"

"Sam I-you had a ruptured spleen, broken nose and ribs, punctured lungs. That was all my fault. _I did this."_

"Dean, it's okay. Really, it is." Sam looked at him with so much love and forgiveness. Love and forgiveness he didn't deserve. Suddenly Dean was angry, because _why wasn't Sam throwing him out, swinging punches, yelling at him? Sam had every right to be mad, why was he doing this?_

"IT'S NOT OKAY!" Dean yelled, breathing heavily. "Sam I could've killed you. Hell back then, I _wanted_ to. I should be the one protecting you, and I screwed it up. I guess that's what I do huh? I let down the people I love."

"Dean you didn't let me down. I know what it's like Dean, being controlled by something, being _addicted_ to the high it gives you. I don't blame you." Sam said gently, squeezing Dean's shoulder, a silent plea for Dean to understand. Sam knew what Dean was going through, what with the whole demon blood fiasco, and if anything, he was _proud_ of his brother. He was proud of Dean, for holding on to his humanity for so long.

"Sam, I could've killed you."

"You didn't."

"I wanted to."

"But you didn't." Sam's voice hardened, determination in his eyes. "You stopped. Dean you're my big brother. I know deep down, you could never kill me." Sam paused. "You love me too much." Sam teased, Dean cracking a smile. His chest ached at how true the statement was, however. Dean loved his brother, even if he didn't vocalize it.

"It's really okay?" Dean asked, still waiting for Sam to take it all back.

"Yeah, Dean it is. Now get in here and give me a hug." Sam scooted over on his bed as much as he could to give Dean space. "You owe me."

Dean might have grumbled, climbing into the tiny bed. But as he buried his face into Sam's neck, he smiled.

They were going to be okay.

 **A/N welp, that's it. I hope you guys liked this one, it was fun to write**

 **Fav/Review pleaseee**

 **and leave some constructive criticism if you wanna :)**


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